Postacademic Rant 8 - On Being a "Quitter"

I'm having writers' blog again, guys. Sigh...

Sadly, I can't seem to even make another "Ask a Postacademic" post come together coherently. Posting will be back to normal next week, I'm sure. But in the meantime, I'll post another postacademic rant to tide you over until I can squeeze some fresh new writing out of my brain.

As an aside: now that I'm just writing as a hobby rather than for a job, it's been kind of interesting to see - really see - how my motivation/creativity/excitement to write ebbs and flows. I seem to go through about a week every couple of months where even trying to get a few paragraphs out is almost physically painful. Looking back, I remember going through periods like this when I was in grad school, although I never really paid careful attention to it like I do now.

Because back then, when I'd go through a writers' block period, I'd panic. I'd start berating myself for not being able to write. I'd be hunched over my computer, calling myself a slacker and a fraud. "You write for a living, and you can't even get a paragraph out? You're a loser who's never going to get a job." And then after I'd get a couple of crappy paragraphs put together, I'd berate myself for writing so incoherently. It was a nasty cycle.

In academia, where you're supposed to be working constantly and where there are no true "off hours" for your work, you'll start beating yourself up anytime you sit down to write and nothing comes out. "What's wrong with me?? I'm a writer! Anytime I want to, I should be able to sit down and write for hours! That's it ... I'm not a writer. I'm a loser!!! And once I show my advisor this horrible work, zie is going to see what a loser I am and they're going to kick me out of my program and I'll never get a job!!" All because you are going through the same work and motivation cycles that nearly everyone in the world goes through.

But in academia, see, it's not good enough for you to be just like everyone else. Because everyone else is inferior to the exalted people who have made it into the hallowed halls of the Ivory Tower. Academics are unique and special and can produce flawless work 24/7 (or so they like to tell each other they do). So when you go through an unproductive period, you will start beating yourself up for not being as good as your colleagues.

But now that I'm not in academia anymore, I don't have to deal with any of that crap. Since my job doesn't require me to produce endless pages of written work every day (that has to be flawless even though nobody will ever read it), I'm not stressing about this writer's block. I'm still good at my job and I'm still a worthwhile employee and person, even when my brain is a little tired. And the readers of this blog will still be here when I come up with something new.

What an awesome feeling! I write when I want to, on topics that interest me. If I've got nothing, I just go do something else. Yayyy for postacademia!!

So until my writers' block passes, here's another postacademic rant to tide you over. Standard disclaimer: these were written more than a year ago, when I was in therapy dealing with my hatred of academia and my decision to leave, and "writing out my feelings" on recommendation of my therapist. As it turns out, I had a lot of feelings ... pages and pages worth, which have been neatly distilled into "postacademic rants" for you to read.

But it's important to note, lest anyone wonder ... I'm not this angry anymore. The anger does pass.

However, I know that some of you who find this blog probably are this angry. So this is for you. :)

Oh, and the language is very much NSFW.

Postacademic Rant 7 - On Academic Seminars

I am swamped at work (yes, I'm going to take the raise - still negotiating with my boss) and don't have any ideas for new posts right now ... but I don't want to leave you all hanging for more than a week with nothing new! So I thought I'd post another postacademic rant for you.

Standard disclaimers: these were written about a year ago when I was freshly dealing with my anger at academia and was working through my feelings with a therapist. I don't really feel this strongly about most of this stuff now ... although I certainly don't denounce any of the thoughts or emotions expressed in these posts, either. :)

This one will probably be more relevant to folks who are earlier in their grad programs - people who are still mired in coursework, or who are at the phase in their grad student careers where their cohort-mates line up eagerly to go to every Friday seminar and take notes excitedly on whatever topic Famous Scholar X is dishing about that week.

(Notes that will simply migrate home to your office, to sit on top of the other piles of notes from presentations you listened to that had absolutely no bearing on the work you're doing or the research you're interested in or anything else relevant to you. And yet, you have to hang onto them forever and ever and ever, filed away in some cabinet. After all, they represent academic work!!)

It's titled, appropriately, F*ck Your Pointless, Endless Seminars... language NSFW. Obviously. :)

Postacademic Rant 6 - On Moving Anywhere

I'm visiting my family this week for the holidays, spending time with them and my partner's family and my old friends in the state I grew up in. I'll be here through the new year, getting some much needed relaxation and catching up with old friends until I head back home to get back to work and start the search for my next job.

It's worth noting, actually, that the city my partner and I would like to relocate to is near where we are this week. After having interviews in several locations where I'd never even considered living, we decided that now was the time to try to move closer to family and friends and to actually move to a city we'd want to live in, rather than to "any place that will have me as a professor."

And since this is the first time I've seen a number of my family and friends since last December (when I was on the academic job market), I've been having a lot of conversations with people about what I'm doing now and what comes next. In discussing the academic job market and why I'm done with it, one of the things that other people have found the most surprising was the fact that everyone on the academic job market is (more or less) expected to take whatever job is offered to them, regardless of geographic location or whether they'd be happy taking it.

My friends and family in nonacademic jobs find that to be ridiculous beyond words. To them, having no control over where they would live, work, raise kids, etc., seems unimaginable. They keep asking me: "Well, couldn't you just apply to Schools X, Y, and Z in this area?" When I explain that it's not how academia works - that I'm at the mercy of whatever schools around the country happen to be hiring during the year I go on the academic job market? They're amazed that anyone would settle for such a thing. 

So since I'm busy this week and probably won't have time or motivation for a full "new content" post, I thought that this particular postacademic rant would be particularly timely to post ... addressing the geographic constraints of an academic job search. As always, language is very NSFW.

Happy holidays, everyone!

Postacademic Rant 5 - Academic Conferences and Privilege

Because I'm bored at work today, I thought I'd post another postacademic rant. Following up on the recent post about academic conferences at 100 Reasons and some comments about conferences I got on one of my posts a few days ago, I thought I'd put this one up ... about the main reason why I hated academic conferences. (Hint: it has to do with money).

Again, these rants were written months ago, and shouldn't be taken as an exact indicator of how I'm feeling now. (Although I freely admit that I still think academic conferences are stupidly overrated and overpriced and virtually worthless).

But I also thought that this might be a nice introductory post to the discussion about privilege in academia that I'd really like to start having here. I've alluded to it multiple times in the past, and I'm hoping to get some concrete thoughts out in the next couple of weeks. Let's just start by saying that I find something deeply disturbing about an academic system that pays graduate students and adjuncts poverty wages to do something as apparently important as teach college students ... and then also expects them to spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars traveling to conferences while not having any outside employment to help them cover their expenses.

The system is basically forcing people who don't come from privileged backgrounds to go into massive debt in order to just go about the expected business of their job. And in the end, what that does is privilege students from wealthy families over others. Wealthy students can go to conferences without incurring additional debt, don't have to worry about outside employment to help foot the bills, and can graduate debt-free. Less privileged students face a completely different situation.So not only do conferences likely not do much to actually further anyone's career, but in my opinion? They do further the obvious (but unremarked upon) class divide in graduate school and academia more generally.

Anyway, I'll write more on this soon, probably in a multi-part post. In the meantime, here is another postacademic rant about conferences (again: language NSFW).

Postacademic Rant 4 - The Reality of the Academic Career

I'm heading out of town again for the weekend, so I won't be back until early next week. I have a few ideas for new posts, but won't have anything new posted until next week. So, to tide you over for the weekend ... here's another postacademic rant.

Standard disclaimers apply: these were written sometime in April, when I was newly leaving and full of anger. Hopefully they can be cathartic for those of you who haven't left yet ... particularly for those of you who find this place by googling "I hate academia" or "I hate research." :) As we say in the postacademic blogosphere, you're not alone...

Anyway, the standard disclaimer applies ... language is somewhat NSFW. Enjoy, and have a great weekend!

Postacademic Rant 3 - Journal Publication

I'm still around, but immersed in work projects this week and unable to come up with a coherent original post. So ... in accordance with my post last month, I think I'll take this opportunity to post another postacademic rant to keep everyone entertained until the writing bug bites me once again.

Since my most popular blog post around here continues to be "I Hate Research," I thought some of you would enjoy reading my angry thoughts about journal publication ... something that I've grown to conclude requires an irrational number of hours of work for something that has no tangible benefit to anyone or anything other than your own ego or CV.

Again ... these rants include cursing, and were written right after I made the decision to leave - therefore, the anger and frustration is pretty raw. So, language is pretty NSFW if you care about that kind of thing.

Postcademic Rant 2 - On the Workload

I'm out of town until Wednesday, so here is another postacademic rant to tide you over until later this week. This one's a bit more colorful, since it's about the part of academia that I found the most obnoxious and inexcusable ... the overwhelming, never-ending workload.

Normal posting will resume later this week. I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Postacademic Rant 1 - the Meritocracy Myth

The first in my new series of postacademic rants, which are described in the last post.

As I wrote yesterday, these were all written in the spring and early summer, when my wounds from leaving were still fresh. I'm reprinting them here for others to read, but please note that these thoughts and emotions are not things I just came up with this week. In fact, now that I'm seven months removed from my decision to leave, I'm far less angry and more content with my life. I'm incredibly glad I've made this decision.

But at the same time, I know many of you are still feeling the fresh wounds and emotions. Hopefully, reading these rants will help you remember that you aren't alone in how you're feeling, and that I was there too (and am now happily gone from academia).

The first rant is entitled "F___ the meritocracy myth." We'll start with this one, since it's similar to some of the stuff I've been writing most recently. Language is NSFW, clearly.

Postacademic Rants - A New Series

If you've been reading this blog longer than a few months, you can probably tell that my rants about "how much I hate academia and why I'm leaving" are falling off somewhat. It's true.

Now don't get me wrong - I still hate academia and I'm still leaving. :) I'm just feeling less angry about the whole thing, and more focused on what comes next and how to help the rest of you cope with the process of leaving.

And shoot, I'm just so happy to be not an academic anymore that I haven't been as motivated to write up long ranty posts against academia. Which is good. I need to look forward, not back.

That being said, I know that new readers show up here every few days through searches about hating academia ... and they may be at the stage where they could use some ranting that corresponds to how they're feeling. I may not be able to come up with fresh rants on a regular basis anymore, but I do have some pretty good anti-academia rants saved up from some old writing. Specifically, I have a series of "reasons that I hate academia," which my therapist encouraged me to write when I was first making the decision to leave and was struggling with my emotions. He suggested that I might find it helpful to do some writing about academia that was "just for me" in order to process not only my thoughts about what to do next - but my true, uncensored thoughts about what I was leaving behind - namely, academia.

So, I have these Word documents on my computer - a journal of sorts, which I used to help me sort through my anger toward academia. And they were tremendously helpful to write at the time. Immensely helpful. It felt so great to get everything out of my system, and to vent about how angry I was and how frustrated I was with all of the aspects of academia that I hated or found ridiculous.