Some Miscellaneous Ramblings...

Hi all! Long time no talk!!

So apparently I'm posting a little less frequently these days ... a pattern I'll chalk up to my growing determination to focus on my offline life. Rather than spending my days holing up in front of a computer when I get home from my computer-oriented job (which was reminding me a little too much of my days in academia), I've been trying to get out and do things more often ... or to just spend timeoffline when I'm at home.

So for the past few weeks I've been holiday shopping, and meeting friends for dinner, and reading fun books, and started volunteering for a local charity. All stuff that is helping me move fully away from the mindset that I'm still kinda-sorta an academic, and into the mindset of being a regular person who has a regular job and does regular things with her spare time ... rather than just coming home and going back on the computer all night long. So far, so good!

Now, don't worry ... I won't shut down the blog or stop writing. As I've mentioned before ... it turns out that, to my surprise, I like blogging! And I'm still interested in reading and thinking about academic structure and culture and about the changing academic job market.

So don't worry - I'm not going anywhere for awhile, dear readers. Posts may be a little less frequent, but I'll still be around.

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In "me" life, things are just fine. Work is okay, family is good, life is pretty alright. Partner and I went out of town for a weekend and had a relaxing Thanksgiving, and I'm looking forward to Christmas.

And things here in Grad U City are good. An old grad student friend of mine was in town last weekend, so I had drinks with him and several of his (current grad student) friends. I was a little apprehensive about showing up as a grad school dropout ... but to my surprise, a few of the people started spontaneously talking about how nice it would be to have a regular job with actual free time for once. I kept my mouth shut about my own thoughts, but I admit ... I felt pretty good.

Ask a Postacademic - Questions 4 and 5

I think it's time for a new postacademic Q&A session...

For today's post, I'll combine two questions into one post, because I don't think either one requires a lengthy, drawn-out explanation. If you have any other questions or ideas for things you'd like to see me discuss, feel free to leave them in comments. I always appreciate ideas for posts!

The first question for today asks about the dynamic between my graduate classmates and me. The commenter asks if I was the only one in my grad program who hated academia, and also asks:

Did you have a classmate that quit the program before you? How was the jealousy and competition between your classmates?

Well, first ... there were a few people who quit our grad program before finishing and sort of disappeared off into the wilderness into nonacademic jobs. Most people left right after completing their masters' degrees, but there are two people I can think of who got closer to graduation and then just sort of disappeared. And there are another 10 or so who got their Ph.D.s and then got nonacademic jobs.

As for whether these people "hated" academia, though? I can't say for sure. I certainly didn't talk about (or even realize) how much *I* had hated academia until I had left and allowed myself to confront my feelings about academia, once I was truly free of the culture.

Until I actually left, then, I still hadn't fully accepted that I hated academia. And since I couldn't identify my own feelings, I certainly didn't engage anyone else in discussions of how much academia sucked. That kind of thing - being critical of academia as a whole - is just not done, as we all know. So, at the time when those students were in my program, no. I definitely did not talk with them about whether they hated academia or about why they were leaving. They just ... left.

And since I haven't spoken to all of the people who left, I really can't say for sure if they, collectively, truly hated it or if they had other reasons for leaving. I'm sure that each person has their own complex set of reasons for leaving, and chalking it up to one reason or feeling (like "because they all hated academia") is probably a little too simple. I know that's true for me.

I will say that of the people I have talked to who left (in particular, ten or so alums of my department who I contacted after I decided to leave for support and advice), I found that we all shared a very critical view of academia. I'd usually wind up emailing back and forth or chatting with these people for up to an hour on the phone, with a decent segment of those conversations involving the pointlessness of academic research, the cattiness of faculty and grad students, and the utter misery and insanity of the academic job market. They'd all express relief that they left and didn't have to deal with it anymore, and would congratulate me on deciding to leave.

And without a single exception, every one of the 10 or so Grad U alums who I talked to said that they had never regretted the decision to leave academia, and that they were much happier in their outside jobs. Every. Single. One.

So while I can't say that any of us have said the words "I hate academia" to each other, I think it's safe to say that those of us who have left share a very, very critical perspective on academia. That probably borders on resentment, if not outright hate.

Workin' and Schoolin' Together ... A Good Idea?

In the comments at one of her terrific recent posts about the economics of graduate school, Lauren and I got into a bit of a discussion about money and academia. Lauren's post was about the tendency among grad students (including the two of us!) to take on more and more student loan debt as they progress through school, simply to help pay for life's necessities. In her post, she notes that this seems to be an accepted part of grad school for many students ... and she thinks this is a really big problem.

I agree on both counts. Taking on additional debt isn't seen as an irresponsible thing to do among most grad students, and there is little concern about how much we're accruing or how we're actually going to pay all of it back. That's ridiculous. And this is all done with the full blessing of our advisors and departments, who are either deluded about or deliberately ignoring the bleak academic job market that lies ahead for us. That's bordering on criminal. (I'm exaggerating, but only slightly).

So in the end (as I've alluded to in my series on privilege in academia) you wind up with a bunch of students who graduate with massive piles of debt ... many of whom will be unable to find jobs that will pay enough to allow them to pay off the debt before they retire. In other words, a whole lot of graduating Ph.D. students are starting their careers off in dire financial straits and saddling themselves with debt loads in the tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars, with no idea of what job prospects await them (hint: not good ones).

So this is a problem that requires a solution, because this system is unsustainable. With the collapsing job market, students cannot keep taking on more and more debt as their job prospects become more and more bleak. Something needs to change.

Random Sunday Observations

A few random observations on this Sunday afternoon:

I got my first job application sent out today! Go me!! It took a little bit longer than I was expecting to get started, namely because I wound up getting sick for a few days and could barely do anything other than go to work and lay on the couch for about a week.. But everything is back to normal now, and the first (official) postacademic resume is out!

I know this will be just the first of many resumes I'll send out, so it might sound weird that I'm so excited about it. However, getting one application out was an important first step for me. I'm the type of person who can easily find myself sitting and obsessing and endlessly revising my resume, or else worrying for hours about whether I'll like a particular job or if I'm really ready to find a new job ... and will ultimately procrastinate on actually getting an application out. This was true for my previous nonacademic job attempts, and it was true for my academic job search, and even back to fellowships and other such things. My brain can get the best of me, and I've found that the easiest way for me to proceed is to finalize the first step of the process. So I'm done with the first step of this job search process - the first application.

Not to mention, applying for jobs is infinitely easier once you have a resume/cover letter template to work with, so you aren't starting from scratch for every job. Now that my first resume/cover letter is out the door, I'm over that first hurdle. So I'm very proud of myself!

The Warning Signs I Should Have Paid Attention To

So I've been reading the wiki and forum for my discipline's job market* quite a bit lately - just out of curiosity, mind you. After going through the market last year, I've been curious to see how this year's market has shaped up and how it looks to me now that I've made my decision to leave. (Hint: not great.)

Anyway, this year's forum and wiki have been full of posts from candidates who talk about their despair over not getting any interviews and about the possibility of having to leave academia ... or about their panic about finding funding for next year. Others report excitedly about getting a phone interview for a one-year VAP post on the other side of the country or a fly-out interview for a 4/4 tenure-track job in Nowheresville, Idaho. To me, these jobs sound horrible, but these people all write about how lucky they feel. How excited they are to be given this fantastic opportunity. How desperate they are to get the job in question.

And over and over, I see the repeated assertion that people there will be happy - no, ecstatic - if they manage to get a job. Any job at all. There's little concern expressed about where the jobs are or what the teaching load is (I'm seeing an unusual amount of people say that they're applying to both R1s and SLACs, even though in my experience, people generally pick one of the two). But the people posting at the forum this year seem to be flailing around, desperate to get a job - any job. 

I mean no disrespect to the people who want academic jobs. I went through the market last year, and it is a crazy, stressful, anxiety-producing time like nothing else I've ever experienced in my life. And with the down economy and the tight market, I'm not at all surprised that people are trying to do whatever they can to try to land themselves a job - any job - that pays better than a grad student stipend or adjunct salary. (Of course, we've talked here about how unlikely it is that anything you can do at this late stage will improve your chances on the market ... but again, I can't blame folks for trying).

Reading these forum posts and thinking back to my own experiences on the job market, though, has made me realize something important about myself as a grad student.

I didn't want an academic job - or an academic life - badly enough. And not just when I was on the market and unwilling to apply anywhere and everywhere for any job that would have me.

I didn't want the life of an academic ... even when I was living it.

Exactly What I Needed Today...

...is a reminder about what working in academia is really like.

Seriously. This morning my brother called to tell me he'd gotten an interview for a new job. He has his bachelor's degree and is ... let's just say, younger than me. A few months ago he decided he wanted a new job, applied for two positions total, and now has this interview. Of course, nothing is guaranteed ... and he had some networking help getting the interview.

But still ... it sent me into a bit of a "woe is me" phase this morning, where I started lamenting the years I'd spent in school and the debt I'd incurred trying to get a degree that is (at this point) utterly useless. And cursing him for being "smart enough" (even when I thought he was being immature and silly) to just get a job after graduation instead of chasing some "life of the mind" pipe dream through grad school. Because now he's moving up in his career, and I'm looking for an entry-level job ... a decade after when I could have gotten started.

So yeah. This morning was not my best morning. (For the record, this is the first time I've felt this negative in months, so the emotional roller-coaster is easing up a bit. This process does get easier).

But just as I was really building up the mental pity party, I got an email from Grad U, asking me if I was interested in teaching a class this fall because they suddenly have an opening. A brand new class that I've never taught, in a topic area that I don't know anything about. For a semester that would start in two weeks.

Annoyance

Why is it that any time I run into anyone I know from Grad U, they always wind up acting like they know better than me what will make me happy?

Half the time, I tell people about my (exciting, positive) decision to leave academe ... and they wind up telling me that I should try the market one more time! That teaching at a small college will be far different than at Grad U ... that liberal arts students are "different" ... that it's just the faculty and colleagues and students in our department that are obnoxious and apathetic and that elsewhere will be better. It will! I should just give it one more shot next year! I'll get a job for sure.

It doesn't matter if I'll get "a job" next year. What I realized is that I don't want "any" academic job. That's not going to change if I stay on the market another year.

And the rest of the time, I wind up speaking with someone who is supportive of my decision to leave academe and may even express some ambivalence about it themselves. But as soon as they ask what types of jobs I am considering and I tell them that I'm looking at both Ph.D. and MA-level jobs, their heads start spinning. "Oh, but you have to finish your dissertation. You have to. Just hurry up and finish. You'll regret it SO MUCH if you don't. And don't look for a job below Ph.D. level. You have to make sure you get a job that's worth it."

How the hell do these people know what is "worth it" to me?? How do they know how I'd feel if I landed a fun job with reasonable hours in a geographic area where I'd love to live that pays me well ... but where having a Ph.D. doesn't matter?

Let me tell you how I'd feel about a job like that ... pretty damn thrilled.

The idea that these people know exactly what I "should" do, despite barely knowing me and never having held any kind of job outside academia? It's really starting to drive me nuts.

On (Not) Putting up with Sh*t in Academia

I got my first official spam comment today! Does that mean my blog has officially "arrived" on the internet? :)

I will put up a more substantive post later tonight, once I'm at home. However, I did want to note that the angst and worry I've been experiencing these past few weeks has basically disappeared this week. I got a couple of job applications out, and had a relaxing weekend with my partner and some friends. I also talked to my part-time job boss about the benefits that I'll get once I go officially full-time later in the summer, and I'm feeling fairly optimistic that I'm not going to go bankrupt or become homeless while I make this transition, once I lose my connections with the university. It's not a long-term solution, but it's something sustainable for a few months or even a year, until I find something better.

I do have some student loans outstanding (yuck), so I'm going to "enroll" in some Ph.D.-writing credits this fall, just to defer the loans until I find a permanent position. (In other words, I'll be paying the university for absolutely no services). It's not ideal, and at this stage I'd rather be completely free of any connections to the department and Grad U. But at the same time, I have to be practical and do what's best for me in this situation, and deferring my loans for a semester or year is the best decision for me right now.

Along those lines, while you're eagerly waiting with bated breath for my next substantial post (haha), I urge you to go read this post at Anastasia's place. She has good news - she recently landed a full-time teaching gig (with fair pay and benefits!) at a private high school. This fantastic news has been met with some angst by her academic colleagues, who are concerned about what it will mean for her if she cuts all ties with her research and academic life. She has a great outlook on the whole situation that really resonated with me.

Reason I'm Leaving #5: I'm Tired of Begging

One thing that I didn't realize when I was applying to graduate school was that I was signing myself up for a once- or twice-a-year battle in which I would be begging multiple faculty, departments, and funding agencies to allow me to continue doing my job for another semester or year.

When I was accepted into graduate school, I (like most others in my department) was told that we had guaranteed funding for X years. This was an unusually generous funding offer for sure (guaranteed funding for multiple years is definitely NOT the norm in many grad programs), and I immediately settled into the program.

Within a few months, two things became obvious from observing others in my department: (1) competitive fellowships were seen as far superior to regular departmental assistantships, since you didn't have to do as much work for other people, and (2) as long as you were willing to teach, the department would fund you for longer than X years to compensate you for your labor.

I was thrilled about this. See, I first and foremost wanted to be a college teacher. So from observing older graduate students in my department, I deduced that once I finished with coursework and started my dissertation, I would be able to teach and teach to my heart's content until I finished my dissertation. In other words, from watching other graduate students, it seemed obvious that the department would "hire" me to teach when I was ABD, and that I could continue that for several years if need be. I very distinctly remember one of my grad student colleagues teaching two courses per semester during her last year. "Well, obviously there are plenty of classes available and I'll always be able to teach," I thought.

Well, not exactly. Not by the time I advanced in the program 4-5 years later.

I applied to a fellowship in my second year and won it, but to my surprise found that my X years of departmental funding was reduced by the number of years I was on the fellowship, rather than being added on at the end (so that my funding period was X+2 years). At the same time, the department began admitting more graduate students and reducing the number of classes that were offered to undergrads, which meant that more students were competing for fewer teaching slots. Thus, the #2 condition mentioned above was no longer available - I couldn't teach the same class year after year to pay my way through school anymore.

So rather than making a low but livable wage teaching in my department while I finished writing, I spent the last several years of my program begging - literally begging - for a teaching assignment. I was an excellent teacher with excellent evaluations who regularly taught overenrolled class. But the department had apparently decided that while my older advanced colleagues had been dedicated and skilled teachers who were an asset to the department by teaching full classes to enthusiastic evaluations, me being in the same situation 3 years later meant I was a lazy freeloader who was unworthy of a teaching assignment.

I've heard similar stories from multiple people in various departments across disciplines. As states cut higher education budgets departments have been cutting their course offerings accordingly - but for some reason, they do not cut down the size of their incoming graduate cohorts. At the same time, outside funding agencies are cutting back on the amount of money they have available for fellowships and scholarships due to the economic downturn.

On Explaining Yourself to People Outside the Academy

Over the last few weeks, I've run into a number of friends and acquaintances in the town I live in as well as in my hometown while visiting my family a few weeks ago. As always happens when you run into old friends and acquaintances, the conversation switches quickly into "what I'm doing these days," which leads me to have a couple of conversations that I don't really know how to navigate smoothly at this point. One conversation relates to what I'm doing with this job search, and the other (which I'll post about next time) involves whether I think they or their friends/siblings/partners/children should enter a Ph.D. program.

First, I'll address the "why are you leaving and what are you doing next?" conversation, which is really causing me some mental distress. Basically, I feel a growing sense of self-doubt and shame whenever I have these conversations, and it's driving me nuts. I'm still so happy to be leaving, don't get me wrong. But it's already hard enough to make this transition without having to struggle with how to explain this to people in a way that doesn't make me look like I'm just throwing a temper tantrum over not getting a job ... or like I'm some kind of flake who has no ambition.

(My partner is always telling me that I shouldn't worry about what people think of me - and I agree. Most of the time, I don't. But I pride myself on being smart and level-headed, and talking to people about my career change makes me feel ditzy and flaky. Since this hits at some core things I like about myself, it causes some anguish).

The Frustration of the Last Minute Job Opportunity

I just got an email from one of the faculty members in my grad department, who is not technically my advisor, but is someone who's been generally supportive and helpful throughout my time in school.

Since I am one of the remaining students on the market who hasn't landed a position yet, he'd been sending me all of these email listings for a number of these late-appearing one-year positions around the country. VAPs in Idaho, adjunct positions in South Carolina, etc. I never applied to one year positions while I was officially on the market, since I didn't want to pick up and move for one year, just to do the academic job hunt dance again in less than a year. It would be different if I didn't have my part-time job, of course, but since I do have a job and I'm in a top program, it just wasn't something I wanted to do.

But as the spring semester went on, he kept forwarding these one-year positions to me. Last month I finally sent him a long email, letting him know that while I knew I had "failed" on the market, I wasn't upset and actually had made the (positive) decision to look for jobs outside the academy. I told him I had a "pay the bills" job and that I was feeling excited and happy about having some control over where I would live and a wider pool of jobs to focus on. He seemed to understand.

Today, I got an email from him basically offering me a one-semester gig teaching at a nearby college. UGH.

Whose Idea Was It?

I was out of town for a few days, and have been running through a bunch of potential ideas for what my next post should be. I've been struggling with the fact that I really don't want this blog to be solely a litany of my complaints about academia and angry posts about how much I despise it. This blog is my journal, yes, but that kind of litany of complaints isn't helpful for anyone to read ... nor will endlessly complaining about academia help me leave it.

But I've been out of town for a few days, and thus don't have much job search progress to report (which is okay, since I'm a little different from other post-academic bloggers in that I do have a nonacademic job that pays my bills while I plan my next move). I'll get back on the job search this week, but in the meantime I didn't have much to report ... but I wanted to make sure to write something down.

My Best Piece of Advice for Staying Sane in Grad School...

...Spend at least a few hours per week outside of the academic bubble.

And I don't mean at home in your house or apartment, reading books in your field.

I mean ... out of your discipline, away from the university, away from other academic folks.

On Journal Rejection

I got a rejection recently on a paper I'd sent into a journal, before making the decision to leave.

I'm going to resubmit it to a different journal, since I think it's a good paper, and would like to be out there somewhere for others to reference. And since "quality of journal" isn't as important to a non-academic as it is to someone trying to land a TT job.

But getting this rejection got me thinking. Before submitting the paper, I had about 10 colleagues - grad students and faculty - read it, including the person who came up with the theory from which I drew my argument. All thought it should be published in a good journal. I also presented versions of it at two major conferences, to generally favorable comments from about 5-8 people who are very well-known in our field.

I then sent it to a high-powered, competitive journal in my field, where 1 of 4 reviewers/editors liked it and the others had criticisms and recommended it not be published. So it was rejected.

10 Reasons I'm Glad I Went

Given that a lot of academia- and grad-school-related posts on this blog are going to be somewhat negative in tone (at least at first), I wanted to use one of today’s posts to basically send the message that, well…

It hasn’t all been bad, even if I am leaving...